have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
