you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
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You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
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You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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