Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
