Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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