i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
