textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
