Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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