Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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