Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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