i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
