don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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