Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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