A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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