new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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