We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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