I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
