Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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