Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
