He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
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There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
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It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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