I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
sex in a hospital.. check
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
