The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
