I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
