20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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