Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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