I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
