my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I need to calm my uterus...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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