i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
