I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
