I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
