Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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