I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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