How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
