and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
