I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
