Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
