We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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