I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
