never play flip cup with pint glasses
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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