I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
