please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
