Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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