I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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