I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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