woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
