Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
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Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
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And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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