Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
