Texts From Last Night

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  (845): View more from New York

  oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.

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  (845): oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call. http://tfl.nu/l86s
  Replies (13) Good night (735) Bad night (2391)
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  i totally said that

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  (905): i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight (1-905): i totally said that http://tfl.nu/40bc
  Replies (19) Good night (4087) Bad night (587)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.

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  (412): After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me. http://tfl.nu/f4ue
  Replies (85) Good night (2856) Bad night (712)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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  (919): I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before. http://tfl.nu/gqc0
  Replies (14) Good night (6140) Bad night (1056)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.

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  (603): It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim. http://tfl.nu/xioc
  Replies (19) Good night (1361) Bad night (4574)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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  (313): Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ" http://tfl.nu/pk0t
  Replies (41) Good night (15224) Bad night (1306)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.

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  (973): i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones. http://tfl.nu/f4fy
  Replies (25) Good night (4866) Bad night (811)
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.

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  (870): It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis. http://tfl.nu/5xg0
  Replies (5) Good night (1999) Bad night (1297)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.

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  (903): Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high. http://tfl.nu/bi94
  Replies (6) Good night (1419) Bad night (660)
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  (544): View more from

  I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.

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  (544): I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling. http://tfl.nu/vpgy
  Replies (10) Good night (1749) Bad night (810)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry

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  (785): Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry http://tfl.nu/dsfb
  Replies (7) Good night (598) Bad night (1301)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.

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  (406): All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven. http://tfl.nu/uskg
  Replies (11) Good night (1958) Bad night (505)
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  (516): View more from New York

  Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.

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  (516): Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend. http://tfl.nu/jc2j
  Replies (15) Good night (1329) Bad night (649)
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.

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  (309): Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me. http://tfl.nu/u3mn
  Replies (2) Good night (611) Bad night (313)
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood

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  (787): Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood http://tfl.nu/bkre
  Replies (1) Good night (490) Bad night (332)

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