I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
