Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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