well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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