I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
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I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
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then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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