im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
