Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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