girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We just shotgunned beers for America
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
