Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
