I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
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Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
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I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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