I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
