Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
