Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
