that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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