after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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