I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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